We receive many letters at the boutique, mostly chewed. This one arrived intact, which is why we have published it, along with our reply, since our policy is to answer everything eventually.
The letter
Dear Cat Burglar Costume Boutique, I am writing to tell you about my recent purchase of the Full Heist Kit, which I bought for a very specific occasion. The kit arrived on Tuesday. By Wednesday the mask had a hole in it, the gloves had been put on the wrong paws, and the bag of tools was being used as a bed by my brother. I went on my heist anyway. I got as far as the kitchen. The cheese was gone, but so was my dignity. Yours, Mittens of Flat 4B
Our reply
Dear Mittens,
Thank you for your letter and for your honest account. We are sorry to hear about the mask. Our records show that you ordered a small and have, according to your photograph, a large head. We would be happy to exchange it for a different size once your head has been measured by a professional or a ruler.
Regarding the gloves: we have never claimed they would go on the correct paws. We have only said they would go on. We stand by that.
As for the brother, we cannot comment on a family matter, except to say that he looks very comfortable in the photograph and is wearing the bag better than you.
A word on the cheese
We note that the cheese was gone when you arrived. This is not covered by our guarantee. We recommend a stricter attitude to cheese in general, and ask that in future you wear the whole kit before entering the kitchen, rather than carrying it.
What we can offer
- A full exchange on the mask, subject to head measurement
- A free fitting session in our changing room, hosted by Sneaky Pete
- A discount on a second balaclava, to be used as a spare or a pillow
- A tin of sardines, as a gesture of goodwill and an apology for the cheese
We hope this resolves the matter. We remain at your service, and entirely below your window.
Warm regards,
Madame Velvet Shadow
Founder
The Cat Burglar Costume Boutique is a fictional business and this correspondence is a parody. No real heist was attempted, and the brother has since been compensated.