A good heist needs planning. A great heist needs a checklist. Below is the official Cat Burglar Costume Boutique planner, designed by Madame Velvet Shadow after many nights of study and one moment of sudden panic.
Midnight: Preparation
- Put on the base layer
- Add the mask
- Check the satchel contents against the list
- Remove the bell, again
At this hour the house is quiet. A good burglar uses the silence to stretch, breathe, and think calmly about what she is about to do. Then she gets distracted by a moth.
1 AM: Observation
Observe the target from a safe distance, such as a bookshelf. Note the location of the human, the location of the dog, and the location of the thing you wish to acquire. In most cases the thing is a sock.
2 AM: Approach
Move slowly. Place each paw with care. Pause every four steps and stare at nothing, which gives the impression that you are listening. You are not. You are looking at a spot on the wall.
3 AM: The Moment
This is the hour. Everything is ready. The satchel is packed, the costume is perfect, the mission is clear. You will leap, grab, and withdraw. You will do it silently and with style.
You will then knock over a plant.
3:05 AM: Contingency
When the plant falls, freeze. Do not run. A running cat is a guilty cat. A frozen cat is a cat who happened to be passing. If a human appears, adopt the face of someone who has just woken up and does not know where she is.
4 AM: Retreat
Retire to the base. Hide the sock. Hide the evidence of the sock. Hide the fact that you hid the sock.
5 AM: Debrief
Review the night with your team. Discuss what went well, what went badly, and why you were holding a plant.
6 AM: Breakfast
Ask for breakfast loudly and with great sincerity. This is the most important part of the plan, as it removes all suspicion by making you the victim.
The Cat Burglar Costume Boutique is a fictional parody. Please do not attempt any real theft. The only items we encourage you to steal are naps.