Welcome to the world of professional heist fashion. At the Cat Burglar Costume Boutique we believe that a well dressed cat is a cat who gets away with it. Here is your guide to building a complete outfit from the ground up, or more precisely from the windowsill down.
Layer one: The base
Start with black. Then add more black. Our founder, Madame Velvet Shadow, famously said that a burglar who can be seen is a burglar who has chosen the wrong shade. A matte base layer is ideal, as shiny fabric reflects the hallway light and draws the eye of any human who is awake for a drink of water.
Layer two: The mask
A mask is not optional. It is a statement, a precaution, and the part everyone remembers from the photographs. Our classic eye band covers the face from ear to ear, leaving the whiskers free. Whiskers are essential for gauging gaps, and we strongly advise against masking them, regardless of what the catalogue from a competitor suggests.
Layer three: The stripe
Many clients ask whether a striped jumper is too obvious. It is. We stock it anyway because it looks magnificent, and because nobody has ever been caught for being too well dressed.
Layer four: Footwear
We offer soft soled slippers in grey, charcoal and a very dark navy. Be warned that cats who wear them for the first time tend to walk as though stepping in cold custard. Practise at home. Do not practise on the stairs.
Layer five: Accessories
A good accessory should be useful and discreet. We recommend:
- A small black satchel, for treats and evidence
- A coiled length of string, for the dramatic grappling moment
- A tiny torch, which you will immediately lose
- A bell, which we insist you remove before leaving the house
A word about the bell
Every season, someone arrives in a collar with a bell and asks why the heist went badly. We say nothing. We simply point to the bell. Then we point to the exit.
Final fitting
Before leaving, check yourself in the mirror. Turn left, turn right, then stare at your reflection for several minutes. That last step does not help the outfit, but it is mandatory.
The Cat Burglar Costume Boutique is a fictional business. No actual crimes are encouraged, and the only items to be stolen are cushions, with consent.